jokes 8 - GreenButterSolutions

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jokes 8

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On answering machines

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love."
"Beeeep"
"Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling.  Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"
 

 
On prisons

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? 
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house.  I live  in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.
I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a  treadmill and generate electricity.  And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the  generator.
 

 
On pregnancy

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking.
They say "Oh my God. He's kicking.  Do you wanna feel  it?"
I always feel awkward reaching over there.  Come on!  It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. 
I don't do that when I have gas. 
"Oh my God.  Give me your  hand.  It won't be  long now..."
 

 
On morning differences

Men and Women are different in the morning.
The men wake up aroused in the morning.  We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. 
And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
 

 
Mistaken identity

A couple was invited to a Halloween party on the day of the party the wife had a terrible headache.
She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great so she decided to go to the party to see just what hubby does when she isn't around.
So she put on her costume and went to the party.
When she arrived she noticed her husband on the dance floor dancing with every good looking female in the place. He was copping a feel whenever he could.
She then cut in to the dance circle, and rubbing close to him, let him grab and feel her all over. When the song ended he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside."
So the two costumed characters snuck off and got busy in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.
When he arrived at home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I dont have any fun when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"
 

 
Pull your pants up!

It was about 16 years ago when I was walking a foot post in Time Square.
One hot evening in July I spotted this "person" harrassing and annoying passersby on my post. I walked up to this individual and as I was just about to warn him, he started running south on 7th Ave.
As he was running his pants were falling down, right to his knees. I yelled to him " Pull Your Pants Up" !!
He thought I said " Put Your Hands Up." So there he is running down 7th Ave. with both hands in the air, and now his pants are right about at his ankles.
So for about 30 seconds cops, tourists, residents, and anyone else who was at the scene for the show, got a real good laugh at this dumb crook.
 

 
Drunks, skunks and phantom traffic lights

Several years ago while a Utah Highway Patrolman, I was working an evening shift in Rich County.
There are no intersection lights anywhere, in any of the cities, in this small rural community.
As I sat off the side of the road in a marked car at the summit of Laketown Canyon, a car pulled off the road and stopped behind me, with it's headlights and engine still on.
When the driver didn't immediately exit the car, I went back to determine the driver's intent and to insure my safety.
I asked the driver why he had stopped.
He replied: "I'm just waiting for the light to change officer."
I arrested him for driving under the influence.
During the same years as a UHP Trooper, one evening after dark I was patrolling a canyon road.
As I came around the corner I saw a car stopped in the middle of the highway. The engine was running, the headlights and interior lights were all on, and all four doors were open. The driver was standing on the roof.
I inquired what the problem was.
The driver said he was trying to get away from the skunk in his car.
There was no skunk - or smell - in his car. I brought him down off the roof and arrested him for driving under the influence.
 

 
This is terrible but those of us with old husbands or wives can relate!!

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes, life is boring! We never have any fun these days!" For a fiver, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old boy, holding up a five pound note.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"How did it go?" asked his friend.
"Great!" said the streaker, "I won first prize as a dried arrangement!!!"
 

 
Complex

Patient: "Doctor, I think I've got an ugliness complex."
Doctor: "It's not a complex."
 

 
Sense of humour

A girl asks her boyfriend: "What do you like about me - my beauty, my wonderful intelligence or my great sincerity?"
The boyfriend thinks for a moment...
"Your sense of humour, darling!"
 

 
The red parrot

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
 

 
The light is on, but nobody's home

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." 
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
 

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table.
After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
 
 

 
What is the longest word in the English language?
"
Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
 

 
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
 

 
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
 

 
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.
 

 
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.
"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"
"Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."
"Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike."
Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
 

 
Don't Pee In The Pool  

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard.
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
 

 
The chauffeur

One day the Pope is coming to America in his limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for once."
The driver thinks to himself, "Well I can't say no to this bloody guy, he's the Pope."
So the driver pulls over and they change places.
The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars.
After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope."
So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast.
After a few moments he gets pulled over.
The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "Sure."
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "Guys I just pulled over someone really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well, who is it."
"I don't know, but the fucking Pope is the chauffeur."
 

 
Speed trap

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. The driver's license was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding,
too!
 

 
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