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Interstate love

4 guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts topull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The Nebraskan replies,
"Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
 

 
Who died the worst death?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
 

 

Man falls asleep at church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
 

Country Club Genie keeps 3rd wish for himself

A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the
door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" 
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you
one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do." 
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.
"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?" 
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"
 

 
Dog versus leopard at safari

A althy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter) .... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" 
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine." 
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
 

 

Genie on Malibou Beach

A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?

 

 
Flying hunters

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year."
 

 
Good memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. 
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." 
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" 
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
 

 
Those whacky atoms!

Two atoms were sitting in a bar, and the first atom says to the second atom, "I think I lost an electron."
The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive."
 

 

A Christmas story

Not long ago at the North Pole, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves had gotten sick, and the trainee elves were just not producing the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out who-knows-where; more stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and a,Carolead hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom but found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where do you want me to stick this tree, Santa?"
And that, friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

 

 

Bad accents

 

The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Imma just tellum my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

 

 

The most faithful religion

 

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,... for 500 meters all around me,... it was Tuesday!"

 

 
A farmer and his pigs

A farmer had five female pigs and as times were tough had determined to take them to the country fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from each other so they agreed to each drive thirty miles, and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had left, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
The following morning, MUD again!! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called his wife and said, "Honey, look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither one!" yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"
 

 
Superman

Superman is bored fighting crime everyday.
So one Friday night he decides to go out on the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's house.
"Hey Batman, Wanna go out tonight?" Superman asks.
"No, I can't", Batman replies, "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta stay at home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."
"You loser," says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spiderman's house.
"Hey Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me?"
"I'd love to but I can't," Spiderman replies, "My web is broken and I have to fix it to fight crime."
Superman all pissed off says, "You loser. Stay at home on a Friday night and fix your damn web."
So he flies away.
While flying from up above he spots Wonderwoman, stark naked and lying on her back spread-eagle.
Superman thinks, "Hey, I'm Superman. I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quicky and fly back out and she would never know the difference."
Superman flies down, does a quick in and out and flies back out at the speed of light.
Wonderwoman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisibleman says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."
 

 

A funny story

 

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams , "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

 

 

Two aliens land on earth

 

Two aliens land in Detroit, next to a gas station. The aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach. The first one says, "Earthling, take me to your leader!"
He gets no response. The first alien looks at his buddy then addressed the pump again. "Earthling, I said, Take me to your leader!"
Still no response. The first alien then turns to the second and claims, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!"
The second replies, "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first alien looks puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.

"Earthling take me to your leader!"
No response.

The alien then pulls out his ray gun and shoots the pump.

After the explosion the alien gets up, dusts himself off and goes down the block to his buddy.

He asks the second, "If you knew that was going to happen, why didn't you warn me?
The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I was not about to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick in his ear."

 

 

Secret Service

 

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

 

 

A father's punishment

 

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. At which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me to?"

 

 
The three wise firemen

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."
 

 
What a shame

Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function, asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?"
"Certainly not," was the reply.  "First, you are drunk.  Second, it is not a waltz, but the Venezuelan national anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio."
 

 
The toy

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
 

 
Car trouble

There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
 

 
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