While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
FBI'S MOZZARELLA FELLA SPELL
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: No f-in' way.
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.
"Salvation Army," was the answer.
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."
York state of mindlessness!
An English doctor said "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks".
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks".
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".
The New York State doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take a half a brain out of Arkansas, put her in the Senate, and half the state will be looking for work the next day!"
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up its food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire was to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
At the grandparents
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
At a tobacco firm's research station somewhere in a secluded spot out in the countryside and away from prying eyes, two rabbits were sitting in the cages discussing their future.
"I don't know about you" said Alpha, "but I can't stand this anymore. I'm going to see if I can break out and escape."
"Sounds good to me" replied Beta, " but how?"
"Well," said Alpha, "the next time they give us our last slice of lettuce before locking us up for the night, I'm going to get the monkeys to make one hell of a racket, distract the guard, and hopefully he'll forget to close our cages and we can sneak out"
And sure enough, that's exactly what happens. Just as the guard is feeding the rabbits just before locking up, the monkeys start screaming and throwing things from their cages causing the night guard to run over and see what was happening. The two rabbits, cage doors open, zoom out of their cages, run through the guard's legs and are gone.
They run and run until they can run no more, and lie there panting and wheezing and coughing before finally falling asleep. The next day, when the sun comes up, the most magnificent sight awaits them. They're in a field covered in alfalfa and dandelions just by a river on the other side of a farm full of grain, carrots and cauliflowers. In the distance they can see a rabbit warren full of the most beautiful female rabbits they've ever seen, and not a male in sight.
"Bloody hell!! says Alpha. We've died and gone to heaven! See? who wants to be stuck in that lab when we can have everything we've ever wanted?"
"Well I don't know about you" says Beta, looking distinctly nervous and wild eyed, "but I'm going back right now!"
"What are you talking about?? We've got all the food we can eat, a warren full of beautiful women, the warm wind in our faces and all the fresh water we'll ever need, Are you crazy?"
"Not crazy" replies Beta, " I'm dying for a smoke!!"
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself.
The next day her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey," said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
An elderly couple, Georgia and Fred, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up.
"Can I ask you a question, Fred?"
"Sure, Georgia," Fred says, waiting to dig into his meal.
"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?"
"Yes, indeed!" Fred replied. "For the twenty years I was a bachelor!"
That's the stuffing
Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bruno said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?
The barber of evil
Every Saturday, this man goes into his barber shop. So this one Saturday he told his barber that he was going to Rome.
The Barber asked what flight he was going to take.
The Man responded "A-1."
The barber yelled, "A-1!? Are you crazy?! That plane's food is horrible! And, you'll never get a wink of sleep 'cause the engines are so noisy!"
After a moment of silence, the barber politely asked, "What hotel are you staying at?"
The man replied "The Grand Hotel."
The Barber again yelled, "Why are you going there?! The place is infested with roaches, and the mattresses are as hard as a rock!"
Then after another moment of silence, the man said, "Oh, and guess what I'm going to do!?"
"What?" asked the barber.
"I'm going to see the pope!"
The barber literally screamed, "You'll never get to see the pope!! No one ever gets to see the pope up close!"
Two weeks later the man came back and said that the plane and the hotel were great. The barber was astonished.
The barber asked if the man got to see the pope up close.
The man stretched his arms about 2 feet a part and said, "I got to see the pope and I was this far away and he talked to me personally."
"No way," the barber. "What did he say to you?"
"Where'd you get the dumb haircut?" the man replied.
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat ... It is absolutely gorgeous!!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2014 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..." "The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present: Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
An elderly man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
He returns home, and his wife says, "Nu, vos hot dem doktor gezogt? (So what did the doctor say?)
"Dem doktor hot gezogt az ich hob a flucky." (The doctor says I have a flucky.")
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Gott in Himmel!" (Oy goodness, a flucky, G_d in heaven)
"Nu, gey veiter, zog mir vos iz a flucky?" (Tell me what is a flucky ?)
"Ich veyst nisht - er hot nisht gezokt un ich hob fargessen tzu freygen." ( I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask).
Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors, "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky.
" Cold, heat, oy, what to do?"
Thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself.
"Doctor, please tell me: what's wrong with my husband?"
The Doctor says, "Nothing! I told him-----he got off lucky!"
Are you kidding?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Blind man walking
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she
went to the church and prayed: “God, if I don't win the lotto, I will
lose my business.”
She didn't win.
So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car.”
Still, she didn't win.
So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house.
She went to the church to pray: “God, if I don't win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house.”
Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, “Buy a ticket.”
A blonde is sitting in her kitchen putting together a puzzle and having
a very difficult time of it.
Her friend comes into the kitchen, and asks what she's doing.
"I'm trying to do this puzzle, but I can't seem to make the
pieces fit right."
Her friends looks at her for a moment.
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it
out for themselves.
They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family.
She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.
When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “Clean restrooms ahead ...”