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Marriage saver

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."
 

 
Viagra's side effects

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
 

 
Overdrive

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side.
When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused and wiped away a tear.
"If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
 

 
Double Martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he  finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long, but  you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a  refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
 

 
Mechanic's orders

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
 

 
The intellects

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
 

 
The blonde kidnapper

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, a blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 

 
Memorial

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." 
"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. 
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. 
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
 

 
Itty bitty bikini

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it.
"What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"
 

 
Bragging rights

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." 
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm not religious." 
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
 

 
Duck hunting

A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. 
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." 
 

 
Near death experience

Jack had a near death experience that changed his life forever.
One day, Jack went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, Jack's foot got caught up in the stirrup.
When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
 

 
The strongest man

Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, "Who's the strongest person in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest person around these parts!"
Ted politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
 

 
A child's prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying.
"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma, ta ta Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again.
"God bless Mommy and Daddy, ta ta Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray.
"God bless Mommy, ta ta Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
"Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
 

 
And who are these for?

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." 
Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either.
"The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"
The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." 
The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?" 
The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."
 

 
Gross vs. cool

An English professor announced to the class: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"
 

 
Spare change

A bum asked a man on the street for $5. 
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No." 
"Will you gamble it away?"
Once again the bum replies, "No." 
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" 
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"
 

 
Pennies from Heaven

Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.
Soon, he began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous, can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
 

 
Cast away

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
 

 
The fussy eater

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a big dead rat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the rat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this rat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That rat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly." 
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. 
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that rat." 
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten rat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. 
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a warm meal!"
 

 
Mind over matter

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. 
After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." 
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
 

 
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