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Together again

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. 
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." 
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" 
The priest says, "I mean her legs." 
 

 
The light at the end of the tunnel

A husband comes to believe that he is a refrigerator. After worrying about his condition for weeks, his wife finally persuades him to go to a psychiatrist with her.
The psychiatrist examines the man carefully, and afterward tries to assure the wife that she has nothing to be concerned about.
The woman is a bit perturbed. "But doctor," she says, "at night when he sleeps with his mouth open, the light keeps me awake!"
 

 
Free at last

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world.
When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
 

 
Being brave at the supermarket

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through -- don't be upset. It won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said softly, "There, there, Monica, don't cry -- only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.
The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no. I'm Monica -- my little girl's name is Tammy."
 

 
The zookeeper and three boys

There were three boys at the zoo and the zookeeper came up to them and asked for their names and what they were trying to do.
The first boy said, ''My name is Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.''
The second boy said, ''My name is Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.''
The third boy said, ''My name is Peanuts.''
 

 
Uncle Tommy's closet

A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets.
''What the hell is going on?'' he says.
''I'm having a heart attack!!''
So he runs downstairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is upstairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked''
So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet.
The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin'? My wife is having a heart attack, and you're here running around naked, scaring the kids? You should be ashamed of yourself!"
 

 
U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi

'I was on a train one night, going through Philadelphia, when a thought occurred to me that I should probably familiarize myself with my surroundings. So I noticed, that the lady occupied in the seat across mine, had her baby. Ugly baby! By far the ugliest infant I've ever seen. I took one quick look and then settled down to read a magazine. In from the front of the coach comes this guy, he's had a few, and he notices the lady with the baby, so he stops and stares. Finally after about 5 minutes the woman gets annoyed and finally asks him, ''What the hell are you lookin' at?''
The man says, ''I'm lookin' at that baby. That's a bad lookin' baby lady! I bet you could save a lot of money with that baby! You don't need a babysitter, no one's gonna bother that kid!''
The lady gets offended, so she pulls the emergency cord, the train stops, there's a big scene, and you know that guy that comes in between stops selling those sandwiches for a buck and a half, he's in there too. The conductor comes in and screams,
''All right all right what's going on?''
And the woman says, ''This man just insulted me! And I don't have to spend my money to ride this railroad and be insulted!''
''No ma'am," said the conductor. "We here at the Pennsylvania railroad will go through any lengths to please all of our passengers. Now if you'd like we'll change your seat, and if you accompany me to the dining cart will give you a free meal. And maybe a banana for your monkey!'''
 

 
The truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out.
As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth.”
The ailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”
 

 
The little fire engine

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''
 

 
The hospital visit

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?”
"I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!”
"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
 

 
The teacher's gift

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, '“I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know? “Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.'”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak.
The teacher asked the boy if it was wine.
The boy said, “No.”
She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne.
The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
He said happily, “A puppy!”
 

 
What Hit Me?

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.
This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this ...
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."
 

 
Three's company too

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
 

 
Baby talk

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"
 

 

Right click

 

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

 

 

Fast food

 

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
 

 

Too Little, Too Late

 

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
 

 
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him curiosly.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
 

 
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop
or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that
she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
 

 

Hospitable

 

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
 

 
Two ten-year-old children were exactly opposites: Bill was a die-hard optimist, and Bob a hopeless pessimist.
The mom asked the psychiatrist what to do about Christmas.
The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob and get Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up some manure for Bill to break down his hopes even more.
Christmas morning, Mom came downstairs and found the twins by the tree. She asked Bob what Santa had brought him.
"A B.B. gun, but I'll probably hit someone in the eye and blind him. And a bicycle, but I'll probably get run over and killed while riding it. And an electric train, but I'll probably electrocute myself," said Bob.
Realizing it wasn't going very well, the mom turned to Bill and asked what he got. "I'm not sure!!" he replied, "I think I got a pony, but I haven't been able to find him yet!!"
 

 

Not on Shabbos

 

A man walking on London's Regent Street entered a posh gourmet food shop.
A salesperson in a morning coat with tails approached and politely asked, "May I help to you, sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No, no," responded the dignified salesperson, "you mean 'smoked salmon'."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No, no. You mean 'crepes'."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a pound of chopped liver."
"No, no. You mean 'pate'."
Okay," said the Jewish patron, "a pound of pate, and I'd like you to deliver that to me this Saturday."
"Sir," said the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep chazzerai on Shabbos."

 

 
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Letzte Aktualisierung: 06. 11. 2018 12.24h
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